Here it is Wednesday, statistically the most depressing day of the week. I look out the window and see the same degenerates walking up and down the street as usual. Out of habit I watch my car as they pass by. I see the mute back drop of my daily existence. It doesn't help that I'm listening to Piano Sonata No. 14 in C Sharp Minor. Back to the motions.
We often hear the term 'rose-colored glasses'; what is the opposite of that? I'd imagine it as more of an immersion helmet. We all see our lives differently. I tend to think of Wristcutters when I look at my existence. Dismal landscape, shitty cars, laughable jobs and menial pleasures. The ironic similarities between that movie and San Angelo are quite amusing. Days like this make you wonder what brought you to this moment in your life.
You look back 10 years ago or more and you think about what your life plan was, your aspirations, your goals. Some people were going to be writers, others successful professionals, most of us probably thought living outside of this place at the very least. My plan was probably lowliest of all, but I accomplished it, if you want to call it an accomplishment. I knew I'd graduate high school, get a job, work, get married, have kids and get a house. Now that I'm done with that, whats left? Death. I'll work and eventually die. I never tried to kid myself with grandiose ideas of traveling the world, meeting interesting people, being important or monetary pleasures. Some days I try to give myself a pep talk, which is just a private joke between myself and I.
Did I ever have any aspirations? Maybe....long before I became jaded. I think the thing I wanted most way back then was to be away from my family. I no longer wanted to hear or see their burdens. I didn't want to be apart of them, I didn't want to be apart of San Angelo. When I think back on it, most of my aspirations were made of things that I didn't want instead of things I did. I no longer wanted to be at the mercy of others. I failed in that respect, but the reality of it is that we'll always be at the mercy of others. Its easier to get back in line with the others. Once I wanted to be a chef. At another time I wanted to be a curator. The thing I've wanted most in life is freedom. The freedom to soar without obligations. To truly experience wonderlust. Will I ever? Doubtfully. Whats the solution to all this? Antidepressants. Robots don't feel enough to care.
What did you want your life to be like? What were you going to do? What will you do?
Wristcutters, eh? You’re certainly not alone in that aspect of thinking. Everyday, I feel I’m losing parts of my humanity. I feel distant – worlds away from trying to understand how and why people act the way they do. Just when I think I have a good bead on things, my world gets turned upside-down. I know people say never have regrets but, I do have them. If I could go back, I would totally do things differently in those important pivotal moments in my life.
ReplyDeleteTen years ago, I was working at T&C. I still remember thinking to myself that working at a convenience store would be a great stepping stone towards a job that would suit me and be some-what enjoyable. I even came inches away from joining the military until a certain someone came into my life. I’m not blaming anyone but myself on how my life is. All I want in life is a woman that loves me, that doesn’t mind my weirdness, and a couple of rugrats. I believe I have a pretty good job. I just need to follow up on the college program they’re providing.
All in all, my true love is space, the final frontier…/lulz…..But seriously; I always wanted to be an astronaut, to rise above the heavens and bask in Earth’s glory. But alas, I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I think I’m going to get my associate's degree is MIS (Management Information Systems) and see what happens from there.
I’ll reply to the your second part when I get a chance…..
i think there's something to getting out of your hometown for a little while. i always felt homesick for someplace, anyplace. i hated my hometown and was ecstatic to leave. the people were mean and unfriendly and i liked the thought of reinventing myself someplace new. that being said 7 years down the line, i didnt really like my new self either. however i think you can reinvent yourself whenever you want. if you dont like certain aspects of your life, try to change them, try to do whatever you can to make it a little more bearable. 10 years ago i had just moved to san angelo and i was in a terrible place, so full of anger and just a sense of betrayal and failure. i was let down by the people who were supposed to care about me the most. those first few months on my own in san angelo were incredibly lonely and depressing. i feel like im rambling so i'll just say this (however naive it may sound): although terrible things have happened to us in our lives and its hard not to let our pasts drag us down, keep fighting for happiness. dont count on anyone else but yourself and your partner to bring happiness into your life. take life's punches with a smile and turn them into something worthwhile, something that you're proud of. thats the ultimate lesson i learned.
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