Another World

As a second part to yesterday's post I had some additional thoughts about life. One must never dwell on the past, but you must wonder who you would be if certain pivotal moments in your life were different. You also must think of what those defining moments might be. It is impossible to know since our reality is purely subjective and none of us are omnipotent.

Several months ago I had rented a horribly depressing movie call Another Earth. It was incredibly tragic, but the premise was thought provoking. One day people look into the night sky and they see a bright blue star. Time inches along over years, the star appears bigger and brighter. Its no longer a star, its a planet. The closer it gets more people notice it eerily resembles Earth. Then the other Earth contacts them. There are people there and more shockingly they're all the same people. Everyone is there just a little different than they are here.

I often wonder who I might be if my life was different. I have thought many times how it would have been if my father hadn't killed himself. It is only one example of important events in my life. I could be different if my parents never divorced and so on. Would I have been any happier than I am now? Doubtfully. You also begin to wonder what affect you have on other's lives.

When I hear music I feel as though I can sense a thin veil of another reality. So close that I can almost experience it in some way. I see another me impervious to my own plights and insecurities. A me with sense and purpose, of excitement and creation. A person grounded where ever they may go. My ideal self. While this is delusional to think, we all in some way live vicariously though a better self. Whether it is through an anonymous username or game avatar or maybe just a day dream. I hope the other me is living enough life for the both of us.

A Place Where Nobody Can Smile

Here it is Wednesday, statistically the most depressing day of the week. I look out the window and see the same degenerates walking up and down the street as usual. Out of habit I watch my car as they pass by. I see the mute back drop of my daily existence. It doesn't help that I'm listening to Piano Sonata No. 14 in C Sharp Minor. Back to the motions.

We often hear the term 'rose-colored glasses'; what is the opposite of that? I'd imagine it as more of an immersion helmet. We all see our lives differently. I tend to think of Wristcutters when I look at my existence. Dismal landscape, shitty cars, laughable jobs and menial pleasures. The ironic similarities between that movie and San Angelo are quite amusing. Days like this make you wonder what brought you to this moment in your life.

You look back 10 years ago or more and you think about what your life plan was, your aspirations, your goals. Some people were going to be writers, others successful professionals, most of us probably thought living outside of this place at the very least. My plan was probably lowliest of all, but I accomplished it, if you want to call it an accomplishment. I knew I'd graduate high school, get a job, work, get married, have kids and get a house. Now that I'm done with that, whats left? Death. I'll work and eventually die. I never tried to kid myself with grandiose ideas of traveling the world, meeting interesting people, being important or monetary pleasures. Some days I try to give myself a pep talk, which is just a private joke between myself and I.

Did I ever have any aspirations? Maybe....long before I became jaded. I think the thing I wanted most way back then was to be away from my family. I no longer wanted to hear or see their burdens. I didn't want to be apart of them, I didn't want to be apart of San Angelo. When I think back on it, most of my aspirations were made of things that I didn't want instead of things I did. I no longer wanted to be at the mercy of others.  I failed in that respect, but the reality of it is that we'll always be at the mercy of others. Its easier to get back in line with the others. Once I wanted to be a chef. At another time I wanted to be a curator. The thing I've wanted most in life is freedom. The freedom to soar without obligations. To truly experience wonderlust. Will I ever? Doubtfully. Whats the solution to all this? Antidepressants. Robots don't feel enough to care.

What did you want your life to be like? What were you going to do? What will you do?

Fuck Lunch

I've decided that I intensely hate the lunch hour. It is the single most depressing part of the day. Now I'm not a hater of eating, just lunch. And that is for a number of reasons:

1. Packing your lunch sucks...there aren't many good things to pack. Sandwiches get old very quickly. Canned soup is unbearable. I refuse to eat frozen meals. We never have left overs. Most of the things I make couldn't be reheated anyways.
2. I work in the shittiest part of town. Far away from everything. Not that I want to spend a fortune.
3. I've become known as the dependable lunch time phone answerer. They don't even ask if I have plans anymore, thats how pathetic I am.
4. There is not a single person that I can lunch with again because I work clear across the North side of San Angelo. Its not that I want a meal bought, sometimes I'd just like to talk to someone in person for once.
5. I hate the fucking assholes who come into the office or call at lunch. NO ONE IS HERE TO HELP OR TALK TO YOU.
6. I hate seeing everyone coming back refreshed and jubilant from lunch. I'm sure as hell not refreshed or jubilant, in fact I'm feeling quite disgruntle.
7. There's no point in going home. I end up just wanting to punch Otto in the face. I know there's nothing at home for me except chores. Plus there's not a point to going home when I could be here milking hours.
8. Eating by yourself is pathetic.

So ya. Fuck lunch.

Journal Challenge

I saw a pin on pinterest regarding 30 day journal challenges. I did a little research and its a very neat idea. Now I know some of you aren't in for sharing time. But it is interesting to pick a prompt for the day, instead of sharing your personal day to days. I'd like to do something like this with you guys if you're willing to participate. I don't want to do the same generic list of topics. How about we submit prompt ideas and we could raffle them daily? Ideally, the journals would be in paper and pen, with freedom to illustrate etc. At the end of the thirty days we could pass the journals around, or something to that effect, or possible post the single day journal entries via jpg or pdf here on the blog. Anyone interested?

this is a topic that is fairly close to my heart and one that i foolishly thought could not still be in practice. how can america be on the wrong side of this issue?? it boggles my mind. My grandma betty and her family used to be migrant farm laborers. she's told me stories of how she would pick cotton with her mom instead of attending school. they eventually saved enough money and started a business and bought a nice house, but how many other people are not so lucky?? This video is worth a watch and brings to light several good points. its definitely worth watching.